Categories
Depression Resilience Wellness

All I Really Want for Christmas is Presence Please!

Whew! ‘Safely home from an errand near the mall and glad I didn’t go to the mall. Getting there would have meant sitting in the sea of backed-up traffic waiting to get onto mall property. Apparently lots of people hoped to buy last-minute presents in our town today.

Presents can become the focus of Christmas but they’re not what we need. We need presence – God’s presence and the presence of loved ones if we want to stave off Christmas pain.

Pain Beneath the Glitter

It feels awkward to write about pain at this festive time of year (last year I wrote about Christmas trees). For some reason this year my thoughts keep turning to the pain that lies beneath much of the season’s glitter.

A radio pastor spoke of seasonal spikes in depression and suicide rates.  A family at church received devastating news from a doctor. A young mother lives stunned by her husband’s sudden death and a widow grieves the suicide of her adult son. The media graphically reports on a broken world.

Life  gets very hard. Christians doing their best to walk with God often suffer badly. We ask, “Where is God in my trouble?” The inability to experience God’s presence feels especially piercing when festivities celebrate His coming to the world.

Mary Had Trouble

Last week a message from Bible Gateway highlighted the moment when an angel told Mary she’d found favor with God and would bear His son (Luke 1:30-31). Mary’s heart soared in response to the visit. She composed the hymn of praise known as The Magnificat (Luke 1:46-55).

I pondered Mary’s status as favored then remembered the agony that awaited her. A little more than three decades later the same righteous and favored Mary stood an apparent widow at the foot of a cross watching the brutal murder of her beloved and innocent son.

Mary’s spirits must have sunk low that day. Had God abandoned her? Withdrawn His favor? One can only imagine the despair she felt on that dark occasion. I wonder if she could feel God’s presence.  Did she struggle with the same feelings of loneliness, fear and doubt that plague believers today?

God was There!

Mary suffered terribly but God did not leave her. First He designated John to provide Mary’s needs. Then He allowed Mary to see the risen Lord. Mary lived long enough to fully understand God’s favor on her and the wonders He worked through her life.

We have no record of Mary’s late-life prayers but I bet they expressed an even deeper joy and more profound proclamations of praise than the recorded prayer composed in her youth. In time Mary saw the big picture of how God worked in her life.

Mary’s story can help when we find it hard to experience God’s presence. We only need to remember the unspeakable joy that followed her deep despair. Hardships do not mean we’ve lost God’s favor. They do not mitigate His promise to work all things to good for those who love Him and live for His purposes (Rms 8:28)

You and Me

If you have named Christ as Lord God will not leave you (Heb 13:5). You have His favor (Eph 2:8-9). Seek and find His presence  (Matt 7:7).  Expect good things from God in your darkest hours.

I like Christmas presents and even hope to get a few. I like the presence of friends and family more. Most of all I want to experience God’s presence in my heart and mind this Christmas. I wish the same for you.

Cheryl

Categories
Relationships Resilience

What to Do When You Want to be Heard

Do you remember the TV show Monk? It featured an obsessive-compulsive, genius detective with a kind and gentle heart. I loved the show’s murder intrigue, humor and the way it portrayed Monk as more than his psychological disorder – as a man who also had considerable virtues and strengths.

I laughed during one episode when a little girl sitting in the airplane seat in front of Monk turned around and said, “Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?” The compulsive detective could not keep from saying “Repeat” every time the girl asked so she repeated the words ad infinitum. It was funny but got almost too painful to watch.

The scene reminds me of an important life lesson I learned 20 years ago. It’s about repeating yourself when necessary.

Go Ahead – Repeat Yourself

One night long ago I dropped my children off at my parents’ home to attend a meeting. At one point in the meeting I voiced an opinion but the more domineering personalities in the room brushed over my comments and moved the discussion in their own preferred direction.

Back at my parents’ house I described my frustrating experience. My father said, “Next time repeat yourself.” I said, “What?” and he said the same words again. I said, “Oh, good idea” and since then I’ve enjoyed applying his wisdom. When I don’t feel heard instead of giving up I make my point again and it usually helps.

I also pass that wisdom along to people I counsel. I’ve heard many a client say, “I asked my spouse to come to counseling but he (or she) refused.” I say, “Repeat yourself.” They say “What?” and I say, “Ask again next week and the week after that.” This strategy has nudged many reluctant partners into counseling and helped many marriages move forward.

Repeating your message can foster progress in other relationships as well. Making your point or stating a request over and over can move resistant or distracted:

  • neighbors
  • children and teens
  • coworkers and bosses
  • aging parents
  • group leaders

…you name it!

Why Repetition Works

People often do not feel ready to hear or change when initially approached. Change and understanding usually take time because change happens in stages. The six stages of change include:

Stage 1: I don’t need to change.

Stage 2: I may need to change but I don’t want to.

Stage 3: I’m considering a change.

Stage 4: I’m making a plan to change.

Stage 5: I’m working my plan.

Stage 6: I’m maintaining my change.

Repeated nudging can help people move through these stages toward change over time .

Good Enough for God

A local minister recently claimed the Bible says 400 times that Jesus is the only way to God. I don’t know about 400 times but it’s easy to find repetitions of that message (John 14:6; Rom 10:9; 1 Tim 2:5; Eph 2:4-10; 1 Thess 5:9; 1 Jn 2:22). The Bible also repeatedly calls us to love (Prov 10:12; Matt 5:43-48; John 13:34; Phil 2:3-4;  1 Jn 4:11; 1 Pet 4:8).

God repeats important messages. He wants to be heard.

Who Needs to Hear You?

Have you felt discouraged and defeated lately because you expressed your desire or shared a truth with someone who turned a deaf ear or seemed disinterested? What did you do? Did you give up and say, “I tried?”

I hope not. You have a pretty good chance of getting through to someone If you repeat yourself. Tell them again what you think, how you feel and what you want. They may eventually hear and make helpful changes.

In the joke only Repeat remained in the boat. Repeat could be the one thing left in your boat too after you’ve exhausted all other ideas for moving something forward.

Remember, when needed….

Don’t give up. Repeat yourself.

Don’t give up – repeat yourself.

Cheryl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Depression Personal Growth Resilience Wellness

How to Think Your Way to Success

My life got busy recently and I lost hold of important disciplines. Does that happen to you?

A baby was born, a hurricane developed, our basement leaked water and a series of meetings and related work occurred in rapid succession. Amid these distractions I failed to exercise regularly and ate too much unhealthy food for a period of weeks.

I felt bad physically and mentally because of poor choices so I determined to get back on track by walking my favorite trail. I wanted to complete the course at my usual pace but that came hard after time away. I believed I would need to slow or rest.

To make things tougher I passed several inviting benches waiting in scenic places. I thought a lot about pausing to sit on one, enjoy the scenery and do some pending work using my phone.

In the end I didn’t slow or sit but finished my route in target time. I gained two rewards:

  1. physical benefit
  2. a feeling of success

My small success happened for one reason –  I changed my thinking. Changed thinking can open the door to big successes too.

Transforming Thoughts

The apostle Paul explained that transformation comes from a renewed mind (Rms 12:2). My mind renewed when I remembered the passage of Scripture I read at breakfast:

 “ …do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Heb 10:35-36).

Busted! I was throwing away my confidence by thinking I couldn’t finish my walk in good time. Distracting benches tempted me to forget my purpose (fitness) and miss my rewards.

I recognized the counterproductive nature of my thoughts and rejected them. Instead I embraced confident thoughts, considered ways to keep going, remembered my purpose and contemplated rewards. My changed thinking transformed me into a confident, determined and successful trekker.

The Renewed Mind

The passage in Hebrews suggests four thinking patterns that lead to success. These include:

Confident Thinking

Confidence comes from thinking, “I can.” Satan wants us to believe “I can’t,” Paul teaches us to say, “I can do all things through Christ” (Phil 4:13).

Of course we cannot literally do all things. I cannot run 100 miles with my friend’s son Shane or up a mountain with my son-in-law. Paul means that with God’s help we can do God’s will in all situations.

Endurance Thinking

I persevered toward my goal because I stopped thinking about how much farther and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. That helped me keep going.

Disciplined thinking helps us persevere. We feel stronger when we focus on the next step, when we think about today  (Matt 6:34).

Purpose Thinking

Those benches had a siren call that almost led me to forgot my purpose (fitness). Remembering my reason for walking helped me move past the benches.

We exist to glorify God (Isa 43:7). There are many worthy ways to do that. Success comes when we find and focus on God’s purpose for our unique life – the purpose that best fits our abilities and situation.

Reward Thinking

I motivated myself by thinking on expected rewards. I envisioned sinking into my comfortable car seat and driving home for refreshment feeling physically good and knowing I did the right thing.

God promises rich rewards now and in the life ahead to those who do His will (Phil 4:4-8; Rev 22:5). Thinking on rewards spurs us toward victory.

So What are You Thinking?

Hebrews 10:35-36 helped me assess my thoughts. It can help you too. Here are four questions to ask yourself next time you want to succeed but know you need to renew your mind:

1. Am I telling myself “I can” or succumbing to self-doubt?

“do not throw away your confidence…”

2. Am I thinking about today or looking too far  ahead and feeling overwhelmed?

“you need to persevere…”

3. Am I focused on my God-given purpose or getting distracted?

“so that when you have done the will of God…”

4. Am I think about rewards or focused on my hardships?

“you will receive what He has promised.”

Just thinking…

Cheryl

Categories
Marriage Parenting Personal Growth Relationships Resilience

An Unexpected Miracle

My phone rang in the wee hours last Thursday morning. I answered and heard my daughter say, “Mom, I’m in labor.” I flipped on the light to wake my husband, jumped into my waiting clothes, grabbed a to-go mug of coffee and began my drive through nighttime fog to attend the birth of my youngest granddaughter.

Upon reaching the hospital I found my daughter struggling with strong contractions in the care of her attentive husband, a midwife and a nurse. My heart filled with concern and empathy for her. You know if you’re a parent – it’s easier to suffer yourself than see your child in pain.

Our daughter’s unexpected pregnancy came with stress. It occurred long after she and her husband thought they’d completed their family. The pregnancy forced changes in life and career plans as well as household room arrangements. All-things baby had to be purchased again. Older siblings prepared for unfamiliar life changes.

Adult family members recognized that mother and baby faced increased risk due to my daughter’s mature age. Prenatal exams found no problems but we all felt angst as the pregnancy progressed.

Throughout the pregnancy I told myself and my daughter, “Life is always a good thing” and “God’s plans are best” (Isa 55:8). I knew these truths as I stood beside my inconvenienced, laboring daughter but I felt stress and concern.

Suddenly that changed. Seemingly out-of-the-blue the midwife said, “Look at all that brown hair!” What? Wait a minute! What’s she talking about? What does she see? Can I see? I did.

In an instant the disrupted plans, household upheaval, expense, angst, the stress of labor and worry for my daughter vanished like a puff of smoke. The previous concerns no longer mattered.

Nothing felt important now but the brown-haired baby that suddenly entered our world. My daughter’s emotional exclamations of joy and the nurses’ admissions that they too were crying washed away every feeling of intrusion and misgiving that ever surrounded that pregnancy. Only wonder and joy remained.

What I Learned

Walking beside my daughter through her disruptive, unexpected pregnancy drove home three lessons I want to remember. They might help you too:

1.   Life and Love Trump Everything

Life took an unexpected turn with this pregnancy. But once family members saw, held and talked to that baby previously envisioned life plans seemed unimportant. No other life plan could bring as much joy as having a new person to love.

God gives life. He is love (1 Jn 4:7-9). He wants us to live loving lives (Matt 22:36-40).

Life comes with distractions. Over investment in work, position, possessions, hobbies, finances and other interests can cause us to miss out on what really satisfies in life- loving God by loving people (Jn 21:17)

2.  Give Thanks Always

Circumstances change all around us but as long as we have people to love let us give thanks. Love is our greatest need.

The apostle Paul tells us to thank God even in hard circumstances (Eph 5:20). Does your spouse drive you crazy? Thank God you have a marriage to work on. Is your loved one ill or feeble? Give thanks for their presence – you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Does your child misbehave? Cherish your opportunity to help them.

3.   Live Ready; Stay Flexible

You’ve heard it said, “To make God laugh make plans.” We suffer delusions of control but nature and God bring unexpected course changes to every life. Fighting what we cannot change only creates headaches.

Better to trust God and roll with things outside our control. The Bible promises (and experience proves) that God works all things to good for those who love Him (Rms 8:28). Our job is to love God and live for His purposes. Things work out well when we do.

What About You?

Can you relate to my experience? Have you or your family had to adjust to unexpected and even unwanted changes? What lessons did you learn? Did God work everything out for good in the end?

Let me know. I’d love to hear your story!

Cheryl

Categories
Marriage

The One Lie that Can Kill Your Marriage

John and Mary (not their real names) appeared for counseling looking very unhappy. Near-daily conflicts plagued their year-old marriage.

Early into our session John explained that his wife “isn’t the person I thought I married” He went on to cite his complaints against her.

Mary responded with tears and said, “He doesn’t care about my feelings. Nothing I do is good enough. I feel controlled and I won’t stand for it. If he doesn’t care about my feelings then I don’t need him.”

I sighed. Clearly this couple had a lot of work to do.

Spotting the Lie

Did you catch the lie that can kill a marriage? John didn’t exactly say, “I’ve married the wrong person” but the thought seemed just beneath the surface of his words.

When the marriage road gets rough it’s easy to think, “I’ve married the wrong person.” Every spouse learns a lot they didn’t know about their partner after vows are made!

The idea that one has married the wrong person is a lie straight from Hell. It encourages people to remain proud, blame troubles on their partner and even leave the marriage to look for “the right person.”

People who run from troubled marriages instead of fixing what’s wrong usually continue their bad habits and repeat their same mistakes with someone else. That’s why second marriages fail at higher rates (67%) than first marriages (50%) and third marriages at even higher rates (81%)

Embracing the Truth

God’s truth tells us that marriages don’t turn sour because we marry the wrong people. They turn sour because hard hearts lead us to do the wrong things (Matt 19:8)

Failure to do the right things in marriage leads to pain but that’s okay. God will use the pain as a refining fire to melt away selfishness. The desire to escape pain can drive partners to surrender pride and learn to love well – in other words to become more like Jesus.  People who blame and withdraw miss out on God’s good plan.

God’s truth brings hope. It means couples don’t need to suffer the spiritual, emotional, social, physical and financial costs of divorce. Instead they can humble themselves and  learn to do the things that make marriage work.

Doing the Right Things

Here’s a list of right things couples can do to make their marriage work. As you read through these note what ones do and don’t happen in your marriage or in the marriage of people you care about:

  • Center everything around God
  • Value marriage well-being over personal desires
  • Express affirmations, affections and compliments
  • Communicate deeply and often using “I statements”
  • Resolve conflicts with solutions acceptable to both
  • Forgive
  • Accept partner weaknesses and limitations
  • Play together
  • Allow time apart
  • Control stress (don’t over-schedule; live within financial means)
  • Maintain a pleasant, orderly and manageable home (purge or downsize if needed)
  • Resolve personal mental-health issues with professionals
  • Maximize physical health
  • Maintain healthy sex life
  • Consult with mentors and counselors when troubled or confused
  • Be willing to change as needed

Whew! Marriage takes work. Fairy-tale accounts of “happily ever after” don’t tell the whole story!  Over time and with God’s help couples can learn to do the right things (Phil 4:13).

The Two-Way Street

It takes two to make marriage work. Both partners need to sign onto God’s marriage plan because each partner can only change themselves. Relationships can’t work while any partner remains addicted, abusive, dishonest or disengaged.

Your Turn

I hope this post helps you or someone you know watch out for Satan’s marriage-killing lie (“I’ve married the wrong person”) and stay focused on doing the things that make marriage work.

Meanwhile help me grow my “Right Things” list by sharing additional ways you know to  help build a strong marriage. I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheryl

Categories
Depression Personal Growth Relationships

When You Really Need to Hit Three for Three

A few years ago I heard an unforgettable story about an interesting young man. His story teaches a valuable lesson we all need.

The handsome blond-haired young man with movie-star like features lived in California. His professional model wife circulated with movie stars. He owned a successful business, lived in a beautiful house, drove a luxury sports car and enjoyed pleasant relationships with family and friends.

His glaring problem was a depression that landed him in the psych ward of a public hospital where he saw a doctor one time. He told the doctor his depression didn’t make sense because he said, “I have it all.” Despite all the young man had he also said, “It feels like there’s just something missing.”

The Christian doctor considered what he heard and inquired about the patient’s spiritual life. The young man quickly dismissed the inquiry and said, “I don’t go in for that kind of thing.”

Before treatment in the public hospital could go further the patient learned of an opening in a private elite clinic. He transferred there and not long after committed suicide.

When Something’s Missing

Most of us feel “there’s just something missing” when we get down, discouraged, lonely or afraid. There usually is something missing – love.

I’m not talking about the kind of romantic or emotional love that we passively sit around and wait to come our way. I’m talking about the proactive kind of love we make happen – the kind God commands us to do.

Christ’s two great commands tell us to do three things (Matt 22:36-40):

  1. love of God
  2. love of others
  3. love ourselves

Loving God, others and ourselves gives purpose and joy to our lives in a way physical beauty, wealth and social standing cannot.

God’s Package Plan

You’ve heard it said  that “two out of three ain’t bad.” That works for things like quiz shows. When it comes to obeying Christ’s love commands we need to hit three for three.

Christ didn’t say love God, others or yourself. He didn’t tell us to pick and choose the kinds of love we want to offer or the kinds that feel convenient. He tells us to love God, others and ourselves. Failure to love in all three directions thwarts God’s purposes and turns life sour. Consider:

The self-centered person. The young man referenced above seemed to love himself (judging by his lavish lifestyle) and he got along with people. Still he did not know or love God and did not love others through service. He loved in one of the three commanded directions (self) and lived a life without purpose, hope or joy.

The self-deprecating person. This person may do a great job of loving God and others but not themselves. They put themselves down, feel guilty, lack confidence, neglect self care and let others take advantage of them. They don’t see themselves as valued, gifted and needed instruments of God’s purposes. They love in just two commanded directions (God and others) and they hurt.

The critic. This person practices spiritual disciplines and thinks highly of self but has little regard for or patience with most others. He loves himself and thinks he loves God. He or she may even serve (for self serving reasons) but will stay aloof from meaningful involvements. This person loves in only two commanded directions (God and self) and  lives a lonely life marked by dissatisfaction and complaint.

Get the Package Plan

Christ’s prescription for the good life includes proactive love of God, others and our selves. Neglecting even one of these dimensions of proactive love creates dissatisfaction and that disturbing sense that “there’s just something missing.”

How’s your life going? If it feels like something’s missing check how well you’re actively loving God, others and self. If you’re neglecting even one of these three kinds of love please fix that now. God will help you (Gal 5:22). I promise your life will feel better.

Wishing you an amazing love life! Wishing you three for three!!

Cheryl

 

 

 

 

 

Categories
Depression Personal Growth Relationships Wellness

Are You One of the Brightest Bulbs in the Box?

Three days ago I began my milestone birthday by walking around a nearby lake. The first half of my route featured a casual stroll through a rose garden, a trek to the far side of the lake, a climb up a steep hill and a detour down a dirt path where I came across a shaded bench beside a small pond.

I sat on the bench and thought about years under my life’s bridge and ways to live out the rest of my journey. I used my phone to read Psalm 71 (concerns aging), softly sang two hymns and left the isolated spot with spirits high and a spring in my step.

As I continued walking around the lake I passed four college-age students going the other way. I looked toward each one and said “Hi” or “Good morning” but none of the first three acknowledged me or my greeting. I shrugged and gave it little thought until…

A fourth young lady wearing earphones and holding herself upright came jogging towards me with ponytail swinging. As she drew near she flashed a broad smile my way and began waving her hand back and forth in friendly greeting. That young woman had her light on! She was one of the brightest bulbs I met that day!

God Gives Us Light

It seems God often sends the same message more than once in the same day. That’s why I didn’t feel totally surprised that evening when via Facetime we got to hear our 8-year old grandson Liam recite the memory verse he learned at camp. You guessed it! Liam repeated:

“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” (Matt 5:16)

Favorable circumstances enable us to feel bright and cheery sometimes but Scripture teaches that lasting and true light comes from God in the face of Jesus (2 Cor 5:6; John 1:9). . God wants the light of Christ to shine through us into the world (Isa 60:1; Matt 5:14).

Is Your Light On? Does it Shine?

This world has much darkness. We all know so I won’t elaborate. God gives us needed light for personal enjoyment and for sharing (Luke 8:16).

Our daily words, actions and attitudes impact others. Every day we get the chance to make the world brighter or darker by the choices we make. We contribute:

  • hope or pessimism
  • truth or deceit
  • compassion or indifference
  • generosity or selfishness
  • acceptance or rejection
  • patience or anger
  • grace or condemnation
  • humor or grumpiness
  • humility or pride

Have you thought about the ways you do or don’t add light to the world? Which of the words in the above dichotomies best describe what you pour into the lives of others? If you circled those words would you have more circles on the left or right-hand side of the column?

Our light switch comes on when we receive God’s Spirit. Our bulb shines out when we dust it off, check the filament and take intentional steps to make it visible to others.

If you need God’s light in your heart ask Him for it. If you have His light but it’s hidden or darkened with dust from disuse do what it takes to brighten your light and place it where it shines into the darkness.

The woman I met by the lake definitely had light in her heart and apparently wanted to brighten the world around her. I want to be like her. How about you?

Cheryl

Categories
Uncategorized

Do You Really Need All that Peer Pressure?

Monday night I returned worn out from a 10-day “vacation” The days were productive but not restful. I traveled 1100 miles by car, worked on an old house in hot weather, made big business decisions and tagged after our son’s active young family.

On Tuesday I prepared to take things pretty easy though I hadn’t darkened the door of a gym in two weeks. Then I opened an email from a high-school class mate who’d undergone surgery. She said, “All went well because I’ve gone to the Rec Center every day for the last two years and was in good shape.” I got myself to the gym that day!

On Wednesday I saw pictures of our daughter’s in-laws riding their bikes, kayaking and climbing mountains in Maine. Those pictures prompted me to schedule more exercise later that day. In the end something interfered but I came close to more exercise.

Today I had lunch with a friend who runs races. I knew when I saw her that she would have done her standard run at sun-up. I couldn’t face her without getting back to the gym myself so that’s where I went first thing this morning.

I may have exercised some this week on my own but I pushed myself harder because of the good-example peers around me.  I really needed all that peer pressure.

The Benefit of Peer Pressure

Peer pressure gets a bad rap. That’s probably because most of us still cringe at thoughts of the toxic, unrelenting pressure to conform we experienced in high school.

There is such a thing as good peer pressure. That’s the pressure we feel when exposed to people who live their lives with excellence. They  don’t actively apply peer pressure but we feel pressure simply by being around them. Social psychologists know we compare ourselves to one another all the time.

When I brush elbows with people who live their lives with discipline, love and mastery I compare myself to them and feel pressure to do better in the areas of:

  • fitness and self-care
  • positive outlook
  • productivity
  • community volunteering
  • learning new things
  • spiritual disciplines
  • mental disciplines
  • humility

I’m grateful for the pressure I feel around good-example people. Their discipline and choices inspire me to fight back thoughts of: “not now,” “someday,” “good enough,” “I don’t feel like it” and “I can’t.”

I don’t try to match the accomplishments of others who live well but I do like being able to hold my head up around them knowing I’m actively working to achieve my own goals. The good examples set by others prompt me to fight forward.

Choose Peers Who Provide the Right Kind of Pressure

The Bible says “iron sharpens iron” (Prov 27:7). Disciplined, accomplished people with iron determination to live well challenge others to do the same by the sheer power of their example.

On the other hand, individuals with wills of clay and a laissez-faire attitude toward life exude negative influence. The same is true of people who overvalue worthless things.  Parents of teens know this and keep a careful eye on their child’s friends. The influence of peers continues throughout life.

I’m not suggesting we avoid people who are not setting a good example. Struggling people need the time, attention and encouragement of caring others.

I am suggesting that we take stock of our friendship circles and make sure to include people who inspire us to excellence by the way they live their lives. Doing so can help us become good examples ourselves!

What about You?

Is there someone in your life whose good example pressures you toward excellence? If so, why not give them a shout out by mentioning their name in the comment section below.

Better yet, talk to that person. Let them know how their good example makes you feel  pressured to try harder and become more. They’d probably like to hear it!

Wishing you the the right kind of pressure!

Cheryl

Categories
Depression Marriage Personal Growth Relationships Resilience

In a Battle? Learn How to Win from General Grant!

The evening of April 6, 1862 brought one of the worst moments of the Civil War for General U.S. Grant. His army suffered a terrible defeat at Shiloh that day, a pounding rain pummeled his troops sleeping in the open and he struggled with pain from an injured ankle.

Near midnight General Sherman sought out Grant. He found him sitting in a dark, make-shift headquarters under a tree. Sherman intended to discuss plans for retreat but for some reason hesitated and only said, “Well Grant, we’ve had the devil’s own day today, haven’t we?”

Grant paused to puff on his cigar then said, “Yes. Lick ’em tomorrow though.” You can read more about this moment in history here.

Setbacks bring choices

Grant had a critical choice to make that night. He could have let failure overwhelm him. Others expected him to give up but he looked to the next day with hope. Grant rejoined the battle on April 7th and turned a bad defeat into great victory.

Have you suffered a defeat lately? Have difficult circumstances made you want to retreat from a job, church, friendship, marriage or family members? People give up all time. They prematurely accept defeat and suffer unnecessary losses.

Failures and setbacks come to every life. Conflicts and troubles plague every relationship (I know, I’m a counselor…things aren’t always what they appear). The choices we make when trouble comes (not our troubles themselves) determine who wins and who loses.

Choose Forward

Every setback invites discouragement, quitting and hopelessness. Choosing to quit only locks us into defeat.

A better choice involves following the apostle Paul who chose “forgetting what lies behind” and pressing on (Phil 3:13).” People often resist letting go of the past but there’s no other way to achieve victory after defeat. God wants us to move forward trusting His presence (Ps 139:7-10), help (Ps 46:1) and rewards for perseverance (Gal 6:9).

Grant turned defeat into victory at Shiloh because he chose to do the following:

God wants us to win battles by making the same choices as the general.

What about You?

How do you handle setbacks? Do you say like Grant, “Lick ’em tomorrow?”

Quitting sometimes make sense. There’s no point in “beating a dead horse” but please make sure your “horse” is really dead before giving up on your job, church, friends, marriage, family members, personal dreams or even Congress! Do all you can to snatch victory from the jaws of  defeat. Go the “second mile.” (Matt 5:41)

John C. Maxwell provides in-depth advice about responding well to setbacks. Check out his book, Failing Forward.

If you have turned a defeat into victory and want to share your story please write a brief account in the comment section below. We all need inspiring stories like the one that came from a dreary night at Shiloh.

Wishing you victories!

Cheryl

PS to my Southern friends:  I know – lots of victories on the Confederate side too! Next time I’ll write about Jackson or Lee, okay? 😀

Categories
Resilience Wellness

Have You Seen God in the Garden?

Two weeks ago my husband and I visited our local garden center and loaded our cart with soil enhancers, seed packets and starter plants. My heart smiled as we prepared to plant our summer vegetable garden.

My husband’s heart didn’t soar in the same way. He looked at our store receipt and said, “I can’t believe what we spent on the stupid garden.”

Don’t get the wrong impression. Underneath my husband likes our garden. He works hard with me to prepare, plant and maintain the garden all summer. He enjoys checking it out after work to look for new bounty hiding beneath flourishes of green leaves.

Charlie spoke from a pragmatic point of view. We don’t garden very seriously so gardening usually costs us more money than we save on our produce bill at the store.

I don’t mind losing a little money on our garden because it provides so many other kinds of value. Gardening is fun, challenging, therapeutic and provides fresh organic table fare. Best of all it lets me see God.

Seeing God in the Garden

If you get your hands dirty trying to grow something God will show you these things about Himself:

God’s ways are mysterious

How does He do it? We plant a kernel of corn and get a six-foot stalk bearing more corn. Who can explain it? Science can describe the mechanisms of reproduction but can’t explain or generate life.

Life and reproduction are miracles. The garden helps us see that God’s ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9).

He supplies every need

Our loving God provides everything we need to succeed in the garden. He gives us abilities, earth, seed, sun, rain, natural fertilizers and beneficial bugs.

God knows our needs in life as in the garden. He wants us to succeed and has each need covered (Phil 4:19; Ps 1:1-3)!

God gives generously

God goes beyond supplying our needs and gives bountifully. Invest one kernel of corn and get back a stalk bearing one or two ears with 640-1280 new kernels. What a deal!

A single apple seed can sprout a tree that produces up to 1000 apples every year for 50 years. A single flower seed can grow a bush that displays gorgeous blooms for a decade.

God gives a huge return on investments in the garden and in life. The garden illustrates God’s generosity (Malachi 3:10).

He works in prepared hearts

IMG_2178The upper part of our hilly garden has rocky, dry soil. We plant there every year but don’t get much return. The lower part has softer, rock-free soil that holds moisture. That section welcomes seeds and produces well.

The importance of soil condition in the garden reminds us that God needs tender and receptive hearts to grow beautiful lives (Dan 5:20; Matt 13:1-23).

God rewards work

Gardens require time, effort and money. We must purchase supplies, prepare soil, plant seeds, tend plants, pull weeds, fight pests and blight if we want a return. Rewards come when we do the work.

God wants us to work in His garden for His purposes. He richly blesses everyone who does (Luke 19:17; 1 Cor 9:23).

He cheers us on

Bad weather and mistakes cause garden failures. Charlie and I have suffered many dashed hopes for fresh zucchini and more. When things go wrong we accept what happened, try to learn something and plant again.

God knows we’re not perfect. When we fail He wants us to learn something and make a fresh start relying on His help.  Harvest comes to those who push forward (Gal 6:9).

Conclusion

What about you? Do you garden? If so what thoughts come to your mind as you toil in the soil? I’d love to know.

If you don’t garden I recommend it. If you lack space think about helping in a church or community garden that feeds the poor.

The Bible says the earth teaches those who speak to it (Job 12:7-10)? You can speak to the earth and learn much about God in your garden.

Dorothy Frances Gurney knew that when she wrote:

“One is nearer God’s heart in the garden

than anywhere else on earth.”

dorothy-gurney-quote

 

 

 

 

Categories
Depression Relationships Resilience Wellness

What to Do When You Feel Lonely in a Crowd

Jan and Mike’s Road Trip

Jan and Mike (not their real names) looked forward to their weekend get-away.  All week their jobs, household responsibilities and other commitments kept them from feeling personally connected.

As the couple set out for their three-hour road trip Mike felt happy to get away from work and chatted freely about:

  • the weather
  • the health of a man at his office
  • how he might fix the plumbing
  • politics
  • his questions about a teen they both knew

Jan felt dissatisfied with their experience. She finally said, “I don’t feel connected to you. We haven’t had a personal conversation all week and nothing we’ve talked about this morning helps me feel close to you now. I feel lonely even though we’re together.”

Melissa’s Attempt to Connect

Melissa (not her real name) retired from work and felt isolated. She hoped to connect with other women by joining a local book club. For months she read the assigned books, attended meetings smiled and chatted cheerfully with other club members.

Still Melissa never felt connected in the club. Long-standing friendships among several members seemed obvious and no one there seemed anxious to know Melissa better. Pleasant conversations at the meetings focused on the book read, impersonal news and the exchange of other information. Melissa felt lonely at these meetings.

We Can Feel Lonely in a Crowd

We live in an individualistic, achievement-celebrating culture. Many of us get together with others for a variety of worthy purposes without ever being together. People can be together and still feel lonely in:

  • families that shame vulnerability, emotion and independent thinking
  • marriages built around practical function more than soul connection
  • structured meetings that limit personal sharing
  • places where screens and entertainment curtail conversation
  • recreation & volunteer programs that organize parallel (vs. interactive) activity
  • sit-and-learn education settings

We Need Intimacy

God created us for physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy. The original Hebrew word yada reveals the emotional intimacy of the first marriage (Gen 4:1). Scripture celebrates many deeply personal and loving friendships including those of:

God made us so that loneliness depletes health and closeness fortifies vitality.  Psychological benefits of intimacy include resiliency and reduced risk of mental illness. Physical benefits include lower risk of disease and improved outcomes (including lower mortality rates) once disease strikes. God wants His people connected.

How to Build Personal Connections

Connection takes intentional time and effort. Here are four steps to connecting better when you feel lonely in a crowd:

1. Develop self awareness

Intimacy happens when two people share their deep selves and that requires self awareness. I seek self awareness through prayer, journaling and feedback from others. Read this for help with self awareness.

2. Identify emotionally-available people

Most gatherings leave room for brief conversations that let us us detect who wants to get better acquainted and who doesn’t. People who do:

  • show interest and listen carefully
  • ask questions about you
  • make eye contact and use open body language
  • respond with empathy and stick up for you
  • offer acceptance and affirmations
  • share things about themselves
  • invite you to do things
  • offer to help you

Look for emotionally available people and act available yourself. If you don’t connect in the groups you frequent over time try out some new groups. Look for meeting structures that leave space for personal connection and for leaders who understand that people just want to be together (thanks for teaching me this Ellen Cook!).

3. Create opportunities to connect

If your schedule keeps you busy with things that afford only superficial connection try scheduling events that foster conversation like:

  • A walk in the park
  • coffee or lunch
  • an old-fashioned telephone visit
  • a road trip together
  • meeting to share and pray
  • running errands together
  • doing low-concentration tasks side-by-side that enable conversation

4. Take conversations to a personal level

Emotional intimacy happens when conversation goes deeper than chit-chat and the exchange of information to focus on:

  • current feelings
  • personal meaning made of events & circumstances
  • expectations and plans for the future
  • hopes, dreams and desires
  • worries, fears and concerns
  • personal needs
  • present challenges and struggles
  • greatest joys

Conclusion

I hope you enjoy emotional intimacy with a few trusted others. If you do, guard against  stagnation and keep your relationship personal. If you don’t have intimate relationships, take steps to get closer to someone soon.

God made us for emotional intimacy. Closeness feeds our soul and blesses our bodies. Life is short so don’t miss the yada God intends for your life!

Cheryl

Categories
Depression Grief Parenting Personal Growth Relationships

Why You Should Come Out of the Cry Closet

 

Two weeks ago I blogged about the day I started crying in church. A song reminded me of my late brother and I decided not to push back my tears but to have a good cry in the ladies’ room. I didn’t share what happened next.

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Categories
Depression Grief Parenting

Why You Can Cry if You Want To

I was still a teenager when I sat in a Sunday communion service irreverently looking around instead of praying. Looking back I don’t think God minded that I looked around because of what I saw.

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Depression Marriage Parenting Personal Growth Relationships Wellness

Do You Get Tired of All the Blaming?

Mark felt seriously disgruntled with his life. He lived next door to John and often showed up at John’s house to “shoot the breeze.” His neighborly visits typically turned into Mark’s personal gripe sessions.

Mark complained about his ex-wife and blamed her for their divorce. He criticized his adult children for not staying in touch. He used a quiver of arrows to take shots at his boss, co-workers, the church he left, politicians and the coach of the local baseball team. Unable to bear it any longer John finally confronted Mark about his complaining and blaming.

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Depression Marriage Personal Growth Relationships Wellness

Why Everyone Needs a Confidant (and How to Get One)

Photo by Cole Hutson on Unsplash

John’s wife and two children stared blankly at the living room walls after expending all the tears and angry words they could muster at the moment.  Together they sat wondering, “What happened?”

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Categories
Depression Grief Marriage Parenting Personal Growth Relationships Wellness

The Truth about Feelings

 

Have you ever heard the words, “You shouldn’t feel that way?” Do you sometimes feel guilty about your feelings? Life is made up of thoughts, feelings and actions. We know the right way to think (rationally) and the correct way to act (lovingly). But can we know the right way to feel? 

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Categories
Depression Personal Growth Relationships Resilience Wellness

Do You Need Group Power?

In the beginning God said “It’s not good for the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18) so He created Eve. Before long the first couple landed outside the garden where they struggled with the same hardships and family dysfunctions we face today.

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Categories
Marriage Relationships Resilience Wellness

What You Need to Know about Domestic Violence

Valentine fun fell a little flat for most people this year. We had to digest news of the Florida school shooting on 2/14 as well as reports of 9 police murders taking place between 2/5 and 2/21.

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Relationships Wellness

Sure-to-Please Gift Ideas for Valentine’s

It’s February! Let the season of chocolates, roses and romance unfold!

Are you ready for Valentine’s Day? I just returned from our neighborhood store (Dollar Tree) with a fist full of affordable cards to send to people I love. I’m preparing gift bags for my grandchildren and wondering how to best love my husband when the holiday arrives.

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Personal Growth Resilience Wellness

10 Life Lessons from a 90-Year-Old Who Jumped Out of an Airplane

It’s my pleasure to know a special 90-year old man named Carl. We go to the same church and everyone I know who’s met him loves and admires Carl.  He decided to follow Jesus as a  very young man and spent his life loving God and others well.

Last November Carl marked his 90th birthday by jumping out of an airplane. I watched him reach this milestone and wondered what  I could learn from his experience so I recently sat down with him to ask some questions.

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Categories
Personal Growth

How One Word Can Make 2018 Better for You

My cousin married a wonderful woman who serves others with boundless energy and thinks deeply at the same time. For years we’ve enjoyed searching conversations that challenge both of us to move beyond our comfort zones.

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Relationships Wellness

5 New Year’s Resolutions You Don’t Want to Make for 2018

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? I like making them because I know the surest way to accomplish nothing is to aim for it. I’ve resolved to spend more time writing in 2018.

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Marriage Relationships Resilience Wellness

The Priceless Gift that Won’t Cost You a Dime

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Have you overspent your Christmas budget this year? One survey found 46% of Americans feel pressure to spend more than they can afford during the holidays (up from 24% in 2014).

We need gift ideas that won’t break the bank.

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Categories
Depression Home Personal Growth Relationships Resilience Wellness

How Lighting a Christmas Tree Will Brighten Your Life

Americans love Christmas trees. We see them everywhere now that Thanksgiving is over – on cars, in homes, yards, stores, offices and lobbies.             

One enthusiast in Massachusetts got pulled over by state police for transporting a tree almost big enough to hide his car. Larry Spiekermeier considered his chance to drive a 79′ Montana fir 3500 miles to our nation’s Capitol Building the capstone of his career.

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Categories
Wellness

The Amazingly Simple Prayer that Will Leave You Thankful and Peaceful this Season

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

The holidays usher in a wonderful time of celebration and togetherness. They also bring extra work, worry and strong emotions. We need ways to stay focused on what’s right and keep inner peace.

It can help to take in simple pleasures. One simple pleasure my husband Charlie and I enjoy is

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